Recovery

jeepcloseSo I am going to start writing about recovery and addiction.  I am actively sober for over 25 years.  In that time I viewed alcohol as my primary addiction.  But I also know that I have an eating disorder – no make that an addiction to food.  No make that . . . Here is where I am at on addiction in general and specifically.  I do (have done) stuff – like alcohol, drugs, caffeine, nicotine, food, behaviors – to avoid that which is real.  That is I drank so I did not have to face one version of reality.  I eat compulsively for the same reason.  What I know is that I can stop the overt behavior or the addiction for a while, but cannot stay stopped if I do not address the underlying reasons for the addictive behaviours.

This August 4, I will be sober for 29 years.  I am active in the recovery community.  But I also still practice addictive behavior – most overtly now with food.  So I want to start writing to explore all that.  As a compulsive overeater and a compulsive person, I know that I need to lose 54.8 lbs.  But I am less interested in losing the 54.8 pounds than I am in coming to understand and act on why it does not really matter whether it is carrots or grapes (0 weight watcher points) or a pint of ice cream, I will eat compulsively all the same, if my mind is in that place.  If my mind is not in that place, then there is no issue overeating.  I want to begin on that path of understanding . . .

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