Having a Choice Today

mound

Early on in sobriety I came to a host of revelations.  After bowling one Saturday night, I was driving home about 11:00 PM, and I reflected on the fact that I was sober.  I was ecstatic.  I had a complete feeling of liberation.  I could go home, sleep, wake up in the morning and count on having a whole day to enjoy before going back to work on Monday.  There would not be a hangover, remorse, excuses, promises, broken promises, suicide fantasies as the only logical way out.  Somewhat similarly, I was driving one evening through the inner city when I noticed a police car about one block behind.   Instinct took over and I turned right at the next corner to avoid the officer getting close enough to see my plates and check for outstanding tickets, or worse, the possibility of a DUI.  But then reality kicked in – I no longer had any outstanding tickets, I had an insurance card, neither my plates nor driver’s license were expired, and I would welcome a breathalyzer test.  Another piece of my knee-jerk insane behavior could be put to rest, permanently – it was my choice.  Perhaps the greatest “aha” moments for me in sobriety that marked a true turning point was when my thinking went from “I can’t drink today” to “I don’t have to drink today.”  I did not have to walk into a bar try to have the three beers and go home, something I had likely done once or twice at some point in the distant past, but had not done successfully for years.  I no longer had to delve into the physical, mental, and emotional insanity of drunken body and mind.  Today I had choice.

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