A slippery space with my eating disorder is late at night, in the last couple of hours before going to bed. For the past few weeks, I have written these blog posts during part of that time. Tonight in particular, I noticed how the desire to binge was nowhere near as strong. Then the obvious hit me. Was there a correlation between my not being obsessed with food and being mindfully in recovery?
My experience in recovery suggests two ways to answer that question. First, I could consult the scholarly literature on recovery, genetic predispositions, statistical analyses, longitudinal studies, etc. etc. Second, I could spend about two minutes thinking through the process, reflecting on my long-term recovery process with alcohol, nicotine, other drugs and behaviors, and conclude – yeah, based on my experience that makes sense. As time goes on, I find myself more and more going with the second option.
I made commitments long ago that before I would use alcohol, prescription mind altering drugs, or nicotine, I would explain my reasons for wanting to do so with another person in recovery. A plan B option I committed to was to read the 100 or so pages of the Step portion of the The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have never gotten past Step 3 before the obsession to use was lifted.
I like that over the years, I have developed a whole toolkit for dealing with various obsessive behaviors that can ultimately lead to relapse. The tools include working with others, writing, being mindful and intentional, surrendering, reading recovery literature, going to meetings, and more. I am blessed that my toolkit contains the instruments that have kept me sober for a while now. So it seems I have come across a new tool for recovery in my eating disorder – writing this blog.