Over the years, on many occasions I asked “Why Me?” The question was not meant from a woe is me perspective, but from one of gratitude. Examples include:
- I have over 30 years of recovery from a debilitating physical and mental obsession with alcohol. Long-term sobriety is greatly enhanced in those who remain abstinent for five years. For many years, I struggled to even put together 30 days. Why did I make it when so many others do not?
- My oncologist continues to be amazed that I am doing as well as I am with a stage 4 cancer. Last August, the prognosis was possibly death by Christmas or in six months. Why I have surpassed these odds?
I wrote previously about the research of Kelly Turner and have since read her book Radical Remission. A strong reason to live is one of the nine points Dr. Turner found for those who defy the normative expectation for stage 4 cancer diagnoses. She distinguishes this reason as different from fighting to live or being afraid to die.
Her results resonate with me in my current cancer diagnosis. In much of what I have written about cancer over the past months I note how the one-day-at-a-time approach of Alcoholics Anonymous has proven crucial in my life today. Further, I know that were it not for my sobriety over the past three decades, I would have been dead long ago.
An exercise in Radical Remission suggests generating two lists. The first is a list of activities one would do if they had an unlimited amount of money and perfect health. The second list of activities is if one had their current financial situation, good health, but knew they would be dead in 1.5 years. The “correct” answer is to have the second list overlap with the first. I was pleased mine did. My second list includes:
- Take three months to ride my bicycle from Lake Itasca in Minnesota to New Orleans.
- Emma and I take multiple cross-country road trips and spend more time exploring together.
- I continue to blog my story as my unique contribution to share.
- Complete two writing projects I am working on.
- Continue gardening and working around the house.
- Continue activity with the School for Contemplative Living and my faith community.
With the exception of the Mississippi River bike ride, I am currently working on all the other list items. The long-distance bike ride is something that will take some creative planning. But come September, Emma and I will embark on a two-week back roads meander reminiscent of our first trip together 20 years ago. All of the other items on the list are what get me out of bed every morning.
To a very large extent, what I dream of doing is what I actually do. This might prove to be the answer to the “Why Me” question. Since walking into the detox center in 1984, I have maintained a belief and hope that I have a reason to live and I have tried, quite imperfectly, to live into that hope.
Today I came across a blog post I wrote 5 years ago, long before I had any thought of cancer. The title of the post was Living Sober Till I Am 94, One Day at a Time. The age came from a life expectancy test of some sort that I took. But the essence of the post is having the reason to want to live that long:
I didn’t think about how long I was going to live. I got to be too busy living. As we get closer to “retirement” my wife and I talk about that next part of our lives. We will do anything but retire. I have a bunch of projects lined up and my wife is already working on her art/consignment business and plans with our children and grandchildren down in New Orleans. . . today I learned that my life expectancy is 94. What I learned today seems less the accuracy of the measure but more, that living and living fully is what sobriety is about. Had I not gotten sober at 32, I seriously doubt that I would have seen 40. Staying sober one day at a time, the possibilities are without limit!
I am grateful and blessed to be able to live into my reasons to be alive today!