Healing in Addiction & Cancer

This morning while walking to church, these mystical truths grabbed me more completely:

More and More I can understand that I can heal myself and live or I can heal myself and die, my physical condition is not an indication of my wholeness.

More and more, I will get well not out of the fear of dying but out of the joy of living.

I have written about these two affirmations in the past.  Reflecting on them again this morning further enhanced my understanding.  Here are some of those thoughts:

  • Although I continue in recovery from my addiction to alcohol and drugs, I consider myself to be “healed” from the addiction.  That healing and continued recovery was never based in a fear of dying, but initially in a hope to live, followed by an absolute joy in the life that I experienced over the past three decades + of sobriety.  That peace and joy certainly passes all understanding I could conceptualize while in active addiction.
  • Emma and I just returned from a 5-day cruise.  When diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in August of 2017, and given a 3-6 month prognosis, we certainly never imagined taking such a trip.  As I wrote in my last post, I can attribute outliving the initial prognosis, not just to my excellent medical treatment at Touro Infirmary, but also activities like gardening.  I have written often how I consider having an attitude of gratitude, support of family and friends, a spiritual life in the School for Contemplative Living and at Rayne Memorial UMC are all integral parts of my cancer treatment plan.
  • In the same way I am “healed” from my substance abuse addictions, today, I more fully embrace being healed from the factors that led to my cancer.  As the 12-steps of Alcoholics Anonymous remain integral to my ongoing recovery, so too my medical treatments, gardening, support network, and spiritual life remain integral in my cancer recovery.
  • Less and less, I see the two recoveries separately.  Rather, whether alcohol addiction or cancer, the healing has less to do with mortality – ultimately, none of us get out of this alive – but with the joy and meaning in living, whether I have one day, one month, one year, or longer left to enjoy being on this earth.

My truth is that today is the best day I have lived, and tomorrow will be better.  I am truly blessed.

Brief Medical Update

My last chemo round ended on Wednesday before Thanksgiving.  I suggested, and my oncologist agreed to put off further chemo till after the holidays and our January cruise.  I expect I will do a few more rounds of chemo in the next month or so with the hopes of then being fortified to go several months without treatments.

Physically, I am doing very good.  Yesterday I spent a couple of hours working in the garden turning soil and adding compost.  My energy level is reasonably high.  Compared to when I started chemo in October of last year, my health seems much better today.  My appetite is good and I am in little pain.

The medical news I am most pleased with is from the results of my Friday bloodwork.  My alkaline phosphatase levels that were ten times the normal level when first diagnosed with cancer are now completely within the mid-range of normal.  The level is important because it is one measure of bone deterioration from the metastasized cancer.  The normal level indicates a dramatic slowing of the deterioration process.  As well, all the 50 or so measures from my most recent blood test are either normal, or slowly moving in that direction.

 

 

Cancer or Not – I have 22 Varieties of Seeds to Plant

One of the things I enjoy about living in New Orleans is year round gardening.  We do not have much down time to just clean and sharpen tools.  A few weeks ago we harvested our lemon and satsuma trees.  We still have bok choy and greens growing in one bed.  With an average last frost in early February, I am currently weeding, composting, and turning soils in our raised beds.  In two weeks I will start some seeds indoors.

We plan to expand our gardens this year.  Last week my order of 22 varieties of heirloom/organic vegetable and herb seeds arrived.  I spent a good bit of time choosing the seed types to match what we want to grow and will be able to grow.  To maximize our limited sunny ground space, I chose squash and melon that produce small fruit so that we can grow them from pots hanging in the sun.  We will focus on plants that have grown well in the past two years – okra, peppers, basil, cucumbers, and eggplant and will continue experimenting with some of our less successful crops like tomatoes and tomatillos.  We are adding beans and brussels sprouts to the garden, along with our usual range of herbs. Given our abundance of seeds, I will germinate at least double what I intend to plant and give the surplus to friends and a local middle school’s urban garden student project.

I am always energized by weeding, watering, and tending to crops in my personal Garden of Eden.

I am fortunate that I enjoy working in our gardens.  I consider such activities as integral to my stage four cancer treatment as chemotherapy and my monthly x-geva injections.  I have no interest or need to demonstrate the value of gardening to my cancer treatments as an empirical or scientific truth.  I consider the treatment value as a mystical truth.  In his book Servanthood, Bennett Sims writes that a mystical truth

is the deepest level of truth available to human experience.  It means that the opposite of a grasped truth is a truth that does the grasping. The initiative in seeking and finding such truth is generally not one’s own, but comes unbidden by human resolve or expectation. . . mystical truth is confined almost entirely to the category of experience.  The mystical while common in human experience, cannot be fully comprehended or satisfactory articulated.

My experiences with mystical truths result in an affirmation of beliefs.  For example, a mystical truth for me is found in Matthew (7:7-8) in my recovery from alcohol addiction.

Ask, and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

This is such a core truth that I have no interest, desire, or ability to explain or particularly articulate the truth.  I know and have experienced the truth of the statement.  I fully attribute my gardens as one reason why I have now lived 13 months longer than my initial cancer prognosis.  I know too that I still have much to do on this earth and will continue to walk down that road of recovery (and gardening).

I am truly blessed.