More and More I can understand that I can heal myself and live or I can heal myself and die, my physical condition is not an indication of my wholeness.
More and more, I will get well not out of the fear of dying but out of the joy of living.
I have written about these two affirmations in the past. Reflecting on them again this morning further enhanced my understanding. Here are some of those thoughts:
- Although I continue in recovery from my addiction to alcohol and drugs, I consider myself to be “healed” from the addiction. That healing and continued recovery was never based in a fear of dying, but initially in a hope to live, followed by an absolute joy in the life that I experienced over the past three decades + of sobriety. That peace and joy certainly passes all understanding I could conceptualize while in active addiction.
- Emma and I just returned from a 5-day cruise. When diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in August of 2017, and given a 3-6 month prognosis, we certainly never imagined taking such a trip. As I wrote in my last post, I can attribute outliving the initial prognosis, not just to my excellent medical treatment at Touro Infirmary, but also activities like gardening. I have written often how I consider having an attitude of gratitude, support of family and friends, a spiritual life in the School for Contemplative Living and at Rayne Memorial UMC are all integral parts of my cancer treatment plan.
- In the same way I am “healed” from my substance abuse addictions, today, I more fully embrace being healed from the factors that led to my cancer. As the 12-steps of Alcoholics Anonymous remain integral to my ongoing recovery, so too my medical treatments, gardening, support network, and spiritual life remain integral in my cancer recovery.
- Less and less, I see the two recoveries separately. Rather, whether alcohol addiction or cancer, the healing has less to do with mortality – ultimately, none of us get out of this alive – but with the joy and meaning in living, whether I have one day, one month, one year, or longer left to enjoy being on this earth.
My truth is that today is the best day I have lived, and tomorrow will be better. I am truly blessed.
Brief Medical Update
My last chemo round ended on Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I suggested, and my oncologist agreed to put off further chemo till after the holidays and our January cruise. I expect I will do a few more rounds of chemo in the next month or so with the hopes of then being fortified to go several months without treatments.
Physically, I am doing very good. Yesterday I spent a couple of hours working in the garden turning soil and adding compost. My energy level is reasonably high. Compared to when I started chemo in October of last year, my health seems much better today. My appetite is good and I am in little pain.
The medical news I am most pleased with is from the results of my Friday bloodwork. My alkaline phosphatase levels that were ten times the normal level when first diagnosed with cancer are now completely within the mid-range of normal. The level is important because it is one measure of bone deterioration from the metastasized cancer. The normal level indicates a dramatic slowing of the deterioration process. As well, all the 50 or so measures from my most recent blood test are either normal, or slowly moving in that direction.